Ten Things the Internet Could Have Helped Me Avoid in the 1980s

Tandy Color Computer Ad

1.  I would not have sung the wrong lyrics to “Oh, Sherrie” like an idiot.

2.  I would not have given up on that pen-pal program to a kid in France… to whom I never wrote a second letter because I lost his physical mailing address.  Sorry French kid.

3.  I would not have had to wait six to eight weeks to receive confirmation that I was, indeed, accepted into the Archie, Star Wars and G.I. Joe fan clubs.

4.  I would have learned earlier that archaeologists are not actually whip-wielding, swashbuckling heroes saving damsels from magical cults.  I’m talking to you Indiana Jones!

5.  I would not have been fooled by Hollywood into believing that Mattel may have actually invented a hoverboard for use in Back to the Future 2.

6.  I would have known what a virgin was before asking my mother about it after watching Madonna on MTV.

7.  I would have been able to look up the rules to football, baseball, basketball and any other sport, to at least sound like I knew what I was doing in P.E.

8.  I would have had better taste in music and not limited myself to what the Mickey Mouse Club and Kidd Video chose to perform each week.

9.  I would not have had to ask one of the “big kids” what a boner was and saved myself significant embarrassment on the playground.

10.  I would not have lost touch with my very best friends for 20+ years.  Thanks Navy for making us move all the time.

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